last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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