God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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