hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
