he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
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I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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