I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
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in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
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apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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