when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
