Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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