So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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