Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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