She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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