from now on my penis is your penis
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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