Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
