i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
