my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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