She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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