i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
