I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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