We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
