Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
