My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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