i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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