Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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