shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
