Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
