piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
