She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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