Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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