my phone needs a breathalizer
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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