rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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