he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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