I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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