VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
