Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
