Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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