Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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