burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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