I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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