I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
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The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
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Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize