are you wasted or are you getting laid?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
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you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
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If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal