Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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