You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Acid is not a monday night drug
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
