My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
