I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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