Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
