Ambien. No doubt about it.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Randomize
