yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
