Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
