in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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