just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
