so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
