Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
