All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
They are going to name an STD after you.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
