How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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