guys are only as good as the porn they watch
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
