I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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