So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
