Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
