Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
pray to the hookup gods
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
