as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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