he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
