My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I have tasted many bathrooms
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
