you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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