I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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