The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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