True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
