Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
