At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I am midnight drunk by noon
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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